Words Carry Weight

Stop and imagine what your words mean to others
Think of all the insults you assault upon brothers
Quick to inflict yet hesitant to appease
And you tell me you're caring, please?
Little Brian rising from the concrete, petal to the metal to the sky
Left descending into perpetual melancholia because his daddy's high
Keeps his thoughts to himself but his body to his peers
Left with scars that haven't healed across all the years
Recoils back to the trailer to prepare for the screaming
Mama's mad so she's yelling but he is dreaming
Scheming about a life better this his own
Like resurrecting into another life and another home
Flying high and never looking back
Never noticing the creeping attack
Blood drenched floors peel out of his brain
But his parents have nothing left to stain
It's insane, draining the heart because of the rain
Kicking, shooting until it's over to avoid the pain

Words carry weight
Just look at suicide rates
Dwelling on words meant in jest
But I can't deny the heavy pain in my chest
Hoping the silver lining comes soon
Left staring at the bleak and safe moon

Negative connotations and intellectual debates
Scrolling through Facebook looking for dates
While Brian's blood continues to deplete
I'm busy looking for posts to delete
My holy status appears to be discrete
Looking to find more worthy to meet and greet
Brian's blood continues to haunt me
And the devil's servants start to taunt me
I see Jesus' eyes matched with scars
Realizing how far I go when I grow dark
My words hit and they assuredly hit the mark
Left feeling cold after bring heat to his heart
His tears stream down behind closed doors
While I continue insulting because I'm bored
I'm trapped in my own frustrations and fears
Yet the end of his time begins to draw near
His eyes well up and I can see he is crying
He was 17, junior, and his name? Brian...

Words carry weight

Just look at suicide rates

Dwelling on words meant in jest

But I can't deny the heavy pain in my chest

Hoping the silver lining comes soon

Left staring at the bleak and safe moon

Humor brings relief but it often fosters stains

Brian's remnants are left with his foster pains

I didn't kill him but I pulled the trigger

The sadness grew and became much much bigger

Partially because I poured sugar in with vinegar

Consistent darkness whatever I touch

Because I fail and sin too much

May this passenger never harm another

I can not bury one more brother 

Words carry weight

Just look at suicide rates

Dwelling on words meant in jest

But I can't deny the heavy pain in my chest

Hoping the silver lining comes soon

Left staring at the bleak and safe moon

Fuck this.

Fuck feeling depressed all the time. Fuck caring about people and it getting you nowhere. Fuck fake friends. Fuck ignorant people. Fuck being nice. Fuck stereotypes about sensitivity. Fuck feeling alone constantly. Fuck how NONE of these feelings make any sense. Fuck how my brother is the best guy I know but is not married. Fuck romance. Fuck arrogance. Fuck religious people who don't give two shits about people. Fuck ANYONE who doesn't give two shits about people. Fuck hate. Fuck rudeness. Fuck hypocrisy. And fuck how I am just as fucked up as all of the above mentioned.

Sick of Playing Society's Game

This is probably a feeling of many that are my age, but I'm sick of this societal game I am supposed to compete in. I want to be challenged and grow in areas that actually matter. I want to learn more about God, more about humanity, and more about how I can change it. Sick of being holed up in a classroom (excluding humanities classes) that get me nowhere. I am fairly certain I want to be in ministry. Though it will get hard, and there will be many frustrations along the way, I want to grow spiritually above all else. I want to help people. That is my quintessential goal right now. Attending courses that do almost nothing to help me benefit others is really waning me. Want to be set free, and do what my heart desires too.

Persistent Woes

Seems the sadness never fades
I recoil back to the safe shade
Sick of people playing masquerade
The quality of life declines in grade
No reason to be stuck in sadness
It truly feels like madness
These silly lines and foolish rhymes
That I repeat over a thousand times
Relief never resides for long
Nothing's right, anything's wrong

Persistent woes
My heart's foes
The end is not in sight
Nowhere is the light
Forever stuck in the night
Where's the promised white?
Alas, here comes the dark knight

Authenticity is a gift
An easy way to sift
Friends from adversaries
Yet to the contrary
My heart is black as the raven
The end of the day is in the grave
Where the white aligns with the dark
Towards the end there is no spark
Alone in death as one is in life
Slit, slit... and there goes the knife

Persistent woes

My heart's foes

The end is not in sight

Nowhere is the light

Forever stuck in the night

Where's the promised white?

Alas, here comes the dark knight

As the corpse descends to hell

They describe how I fell

Not enough Bible, too much sin

The end started when I begin

The fools detail my final flaws

Ignoring the real and the raw

My life left to pastors and ashes

Jesus, come faster and take my lashes

Persistent woes

My heart's foes

The end is not in sight

Nowhere is the light

Forever stuck in the night

Where's the promised white?

Alas, here comes the dark knight

Fuck Mind Games

I feel like there is a necessary preface for the title. I, along with almost everybody, have had a considerable amount of frustrations with romance. So I do always have to keep in mind that the said girl I currently fancy has probably had her fair share of frustrating and painful times with love. And it is also worth noting that I overanalyze considerably more than I'd like to, so I'm probably incorrectly reading into the situation.

But here's a basic rundown.

Boy A likes Girl A.
Boy A tries (without being too clingy) to hang out with Girl A.
Girl A claims to be always busy but Boy A does believe her and has no reason to not believe her.
Boy A does try to make himself apparent in her life regardless, and Girl A seems to notice.
Girl A is quick to be awesome, sweet, funny, and cute sometimes. Seems fairly distant at other times.
Boy A investigates, infers, and asks about these inconsistencies, and gets a moderate grasp of them.
Girl A is not entirely over the last boy she liked, though (from what Boy A remembers) it has been a while since they dated.
Boy A feels disappointed because the 'last boy' was a pretty boy and Boy A is only moderately confident in himself.
Boy A convinces himself he's not into her, appears to be successful in killing feeling.
Girl A puts a BABE status profile pic.
Boy A's feelings come crashing back. Boy A regrets the returned feelings.
Boy A sees Girl A at movie. Both hang out and from Boy A's perspective, have an awesome yet unplanned time together.
Boy A sees her next day, tries to 'play it cool' and not talk to her. Does literally poke her, and she returns the poke before she leaves.
Boy A tries to understand if the poking thing was all along flirting (on his end it TOTALLY was/is) on Girl A's end.
Boy A calls next day and no answer.
Girl A responds through text.
Boy A asks her to do something.
Girl A again seems to be busy, with a slight mix of being distant.
Boy A begins to wonder if he is bothering Girl A.
On a later day, Boy A asks if she is doing something in the morning.
Girl A, again being busy, is apologetic and claims she is not doing it on purpose.
Boy A, disappointed but still understanding, responds saying it's no big deal but that he does want to do something because he enjoys hanging out with Girl A. (Ending with a smiley, hoping to seem somewhat obvious with what angle he is presenting her)
Girl A responds 'Yeah maybe some other time!'
Boy A response with 'Ok' because he can't accurately explain how he feels/what he thinks.

FUCK.

If only Girl A knew how much Boy A likes her... If only Girl A would be more direct with Boy A.
If only Boy A did not have these feelings... If only Boy A was content with his romantic situation.
Regardless, Boy A will always be there for Girl A as a friend. Because Boy A realizes that successful relationships always stem with friendships. Boy A hopes that this could eventually be kudos for his valiant effort with Girl A if Girl A ever discovers this. Boy A recognizes the futility of said effort due to the fact that both Boy and Girl A shall move away and be far away from each other. Boy A's stupid hopeless romantic side emerges over realistic Boy A. Boy A continues living, unsure and confused as always.

FUCK.

Stressed

As the world turns to ashes
My heart feels many lashes
Nothing in this world but cold and pain
All the good that arises will be in vain
Wishing for a cure for this disease
So I can finally feel at ease
Wanting everyone to be ok
As life is lived day by day

Everything's stressed
Yet somehow blessed
My heart's a mess
I need rest
Lord please provide
A place to hide
Tonight

These words provide no solace
As I don't know how to overcome all this
The world's too heavy for my weak shoulders
So come now and remove another boulder
Instill peace and quiet in this racing brain
Help me to not feel this incredible pain
Not asking for perfection but everlasting resolve
Renew passion to learn how to fight and to absolve
My weary soul from all this mold
God, please turn me heavenly gold

Everything's stressed

Yet somehow blessed

My heart's a mess

I need rest

Lord please provide

A place to hide

Tonight

As nothing changes
My life rearranges
My heart continues to toil
But my body remains in the soil
Till the day my days are ended
And my soul is suspended

Everything's stressed

Yet somehow blessed

My heart's a mess

I need rest

Lord please provide

A place to hide

Tonight