Thoughts

I've always found it easier to spot the sins of saints than sinners. I've always enjoyed the company of sinners over saints. True sinners don't put up a front or a mask; they are open about their own wretchedness. I want to be remembered as an open sinner as opposed to a religious priest. I want to be known for mercy and wisdom. I don't want to be known for my judgment or righteous living.

Religious Speak

I hate religion. More than anything else in life. People can use it as a shield for their own sin and depravity. Ironically enough Christian people do this more than most. Putting stock into maintaining their own image and making sure they appear holy on the outside. It's so frustrating. At times I want to shake them and tell them how they will never fool me. But the worst part? It's so rampant in American Christianity that others encourage one another to maintain the status quo. It's about removing those swear words and cutting out R rated movies. It's about removing all of the outward muck. It's about isolating your 'bad' friends from your 'Godly' friends. And it's all bull shit.

I lust more often than I should. I swear frequently (And I don't avoid the 'really' bad words). I'm very selfish and very prideful. More often than not I compare myself to others to downplay my own sin. And when people say that they are a Christian, my inclination is to avoid them. Like the plague (pun is intended, regardless if offended).

I try to change this mindset. Constantly. But it doesn't seem to work. I'm hurting, and my scars haunt me even now. I guess my walk with God will never be good enough to overlook the crimes of His church.

But then again, I am missing something. As usual.

Jesus was not beaten, bruised, and put on trial by wretched, secular people. Religious bigots and fundamentalists set his execution in motion. Through deception and upright living, evil men murdered my Hero. The only man who intimately relates to this sort of persecution. My cries are not in vain. 

I am assured. Yet again. By a man, born fully God, who fully embraced humanity. He didn't come to let the law continue to bring us down. He fulfilled it, setting us free from needing to be perfect. Calling upon His name makes us perfect. Our innate desire and will to sin draws us to Him. The more healthy you feel, the less you need a doctor. If Jesus is a doctor, than I assure you, I am very ill. The law is where our health should be. We can't get there. Even if we tried our very hardest. Jesus is our cure. When He enters into our life, we recognize that one dose of His love isn't enough. His benevolence is infinite because my sin is infinite. The law is now a reminder of Jesus, and not a reminder of how good I am.

I don't think religious Christians get that. How could they? The law is their cover. They hide behind it, creating some extra rules to make themselves feel extra special. I used to hate them for it. I still do in all honesty. But I'm working on it. I want to change this hatred into compassion. Compassion towards those who have none towards others. They are just as lost as anyone else. Jesus loves them and died for them just the same as He did for everyone else. I must never forget that. I am no better than they are. And the moment I think I am, I become the very thing I hate so fervently.