Thoughts

I've always found it easier to spot the sins of saints than sinners. I've always enjoyed the company of sinners over saints. True sinners don't put up a front or a mask; they are open about their own wretchedness. I want to be remembered as an open sinner as opposed to a religious priest. I want to be known for mercy and wisdom. I don't want to be known for my judgment or righteous living.

Religious Speak

I hate religion. More than anything else in life. People can use it as a shield for their own sin and depravity. Ironically enough Christian people do this more than most. Putting stock into maintaining their own image and making sure they appear holy on the outside. It's so frustrating. At times I want to shake them and tell them how they will never fool me. But the worst part? It's so rampant in American Christianity that others encourage one another to maintain the status quo. It's about removing those swear words and cutting out R rated movies. It's about removing all of the outward muck. It's about isolating your 'bad' friends from your 'Godly' friends. And it's all bull shit.

I lust more often than I should. I swear frequently (And I don't avoid the 'really' bad words). I'm very selfish and very prideful. More often than not I compare myself to others to downplay my own sin. And when people say that they are a Christian, my inclination is to avoid them. Like the plague (pun is intended, regardless if offended).

I try to change this mindset. Constantly. But it doesn't seem to work. I'm hurting, and my scars haunt me even now. I guess my walk with God will never be good enough to overlook the crimes of His church.

But then again, I am missing something. As usual.

Jesus was not beaten, bruised, and put on trial by wretched, secular people. Religious bigots and fundamentalists set his execution in motion. Through deception and upright living, evil men murdered my Hero. The only man who intimately relates to this sort of persecution. My cries are not in vain. 

I am assured. Yet again. By a man, born fully God, who fully embraced humanity. He didn't come to let the law continue to bring us down. He fulfilled it, setting us free from needing to be perfect. Calling upon His name makes us perfect. Our innate desire and will to sin draws us to Him. The more healthy you feel, the less you need a doctor. If Jesus is a doctor, than I assure you, I am very ill. The law is where our health should be. We can't get there. Even if we tried our very hardest. Jesus is our cure. When He enters into our life, we recognize that one dose of His love isn't enough. His benevolence is infinite because my sin is infinite. The law is now a reminder of Jesus, and not a reminder of how good I am.

I don't think religious Christians get that. How could they? The law is their cover. They hide behind it, creating some extra rules to make themselves feel extra special. I used to hate them for it. I still do in all honesty. But I'm working on it. I want to change this hatred into compassion. Compassion towards those who have none towards others. They are just as lost as anyone else. Jesus loves them and died for them just the same as He did for everyone else. I must never forget that. I am no better than they are. And the moment I think I am, I become the very thing I hate so fervently.

Words Carry Weight

Stop and imagine what your words mean to others
Think of all the insults you assault upon brothers
Quick to inflict yet hesitant to appease
And you tell me you're caring, please?
Little Brian rising from the concrete, petal to the metal to the sky
Left descending into perpetual melancholia because his daddy's high
Keeps his thoughts to himself but his body to his peers
Left with scars that haven't healed across all the years
Recoils back to the trailer to prepare for the screaming
Mama's mad so she's yelling but he is dreaming
Scheming about a life better this his own
Like resurrecting into another life and another home
Flying high and never looking back
Never noticing the creeping attack
Blood drenched floors peel out of his brain
But his parents have nothing left to stain
It's insane, draining the heart because of the rain
Kicking, shooting until it's over to avoid the pain

Words carry weight
Just look at suicide rates
Dwelling on words meant in jest
But I can't deny the heavy pain in my chest
Hoping the silver lining comes soon
Left staring at the bleak and safe moon

Negative connotations and intellectual debates
Scrolling through Facebook looking for dates
While Brian's blood continues to deplete
I'm busy looking for posts to delete
My holy status appears to be discrete
Looking to find more worthy to meet and greet
Brian's blood continues to haunt me
And the devil's servants start to taunt me
I see Jesus' eyes matched with scars
Realizing how far I go when I grow dark
My words hit and they assuredly hit the mark
Left feeling cold after bring heat to his heart
His tears stream down behind closed doors
While I continue insulting because I'm bored
I'm trapped in my own frustrations and fears
Yet the end of his time begins to draw near
His eyes well up and I can see he is crying
He was 17, junior, and his name? Brian...

Words carry weight

Just look at suicide rates

Dwelling on words meant in jest

But I can't deny the heavy pain in my chest

Hoping the silver lining comes soon

Left staring at the bleak and safe moon

Humor brings relief but it often fosters stains

Brian's remnants are left with his foster pains

I didn't kill him but I pulled the trigger

The sadness grew and became much much bigger

Partially because I poured sugar in with vinegar

Consistent darkness whatever I touch

Because I fail and sin too much

May this passenger never harm another

I can not bury one more brother 

Words carry weight

Just look at suicide rates

Dwelling on words meant in jest

But I can't deny the heavy pain in my chest

Hoping the silver lining comes soon

Left staring at the bleak and safe moon

Fuck this.

Fuck feeling depressed all the time. Fuck caring about people and it getting you nowhere. Fuck fake friends. Fuck ignorant people. Fuck being nice. Fuck stereotypes about sensitivity. Fuck feeling alone constantly. Fuck how NONE of these feelings make any sense. Fuck how my brother is the best guy I know but is not married. Fuck romance. Fuck arrogance. Fuck religious people who don't give two shits about people. Fuck ANYONE who doesn't give two shits about people. Fuck hate. Fuck rudeness. Fuck hypocrisy. And fuck how I am just as fucked up as all of the above mentioned.

Sick of Playing Society's Game

This is probably a feeling of many that are my age, but I'm sick of this societal game I am supposed to compete in. I want to be challenged and grow in areas that actually matter. I want to learn more about God, more about humanity, and more about how I can change it. Sick of being holed up in a classroom (excluding humanities classes) that get me nowhere. I am fairly certain I want to be in ministry. Though it will get hard, and there will be many frustrations along the way, I want to grow spiritually above all else. I want to help people. That is my quintessential goal right now. Attending courses that do almost nothing to help me benefit others is really waning me. Want to be set free, and do what my heart desires too.

Persistent Woes

Seems the sadness never fades
I recoil back to the safe shade
Sick of people playing masquerade
The quality of life declines in grade
No reason to be stuck in sadness
It truly feels like madness
These silly lines and foolish rhymes
That I repeat over a thousand times
Relief never resides for long
Nothing's right, anything's wrong

Persistent woes
My heart's foes
The end is not in sight
Nowhere is the light
Forever stuck in the night
Where's the promised white?
Alas, here comes the dark knight

Authenticity is a gift
An easy way to sift
Friends from adversaries
Yet to the contrary
My heart is black as the raven
The end of the day is in the grave
Where the white aligns with the dark
Towards the end there is no spark
Alone in death as one is in life
Slit, slit... and there goes the knife

Persistent woes

My heart's foes

The end is not in sight

Nowhere is the light

Forever stuck in the night

Where's the promised white?

Alas, here comes the dark knight

As the corpse descends to hell

They describe how I fell

Not enough Bible, too much sin

The end started when I begin

The fools detail my final flaws

Ignoring the real and the raw

My life left to pastors and ashes

Jesus, come faster and take my lashes

Persistent woes

My heart's foes

The end is not in sight

Nowhere is the light

Forever stuck in the night

Where's the promised white?

Alas, here comes the dark knight

Fuck Mind Games

I feel like there is a necessary preface for the title. I, along with almost everybody, have had a considerable amount of frustrations with romance. So I do always have to keep in mind that the said girl I currently fancy has probably had her fair share of frustrating and painful times with love. And it is also worth noting that I overanalyze considerably more than I'd like to, so I'm probably incorrectly reading into the situation.

But here's a basic rundown.

Boy A likes Girl A.
Boy A tries (without being too clingy) to hang out with Girl A.
Girl A claims to be always busy but Boy A does believe her and has no reason to not believe her.
Boy A does try to make himself apparent in her life regardless, and Girl A seems to notice.
Girl A is quick to be awesome, sweet, funny, and cute sometimes. Seems fairly distant at other times.
Boy A investigates, infers, and asks about these inconsistencies, and gets a moderate grasp of them.
Girl A is not entirely over the last boy she liked, though (from what Boy A remembers) it has been a while since they dated.
Boy A feels disappointed because the 'last boy' was a pretty boy and Boy A is only moderately confident in himself.
Boy A convinces himself he's not into her, appears to be successful in killing feeling.
Girl A puts a BABE status profile pic.
Boy A's feelings come crashing back. Boy A regrets the returned feelings.
Boy A sees Girl A at movie. Both hang out and from Boy A's perspective, have an awesome yet unplanned time together.
Boy A sees her next day, tries to 'play it cool' and not talk to her. Does literally poke her, and she returns the poke before she leaves.
Boy A tries to understand if the poking thing was all along flirting (on his end it TOTALLY was/is) on Girl A's end.
Boy A calls next day and no answer.
Girl A responds through text.
Boy A asks her to do something.
Girl A again seems to be busy, with a slight mix of being distant.
Boy A begins to wonder if he is bothering Girl A.
On a later day, Boy A asks if she is doing something in the morning.
Girl A, again being busy, is apologetic and claims she is not doing it on purpose.
Boy A, disappointed but still understanding, responds saying it's no big deal but that he does want to do something because he enjoys hanging out with Girl A. (Ending with a smiley, hoping to seem somewhat obvious with what angle he is presenting her)
Girl A responds 'Yeah maybe some other time!'
Boy A response with 'Ok' because he can't accurately explain how he feels/what he thinks.

FUCK.

If only Girl A knew how much Boy A likes her... If only Girl A would be more direct with Boy A.
If only Boy A did not have these feelings... If only Boy A was content with his romantic situation.
Regardless, Boy A will always be there for Girl A as a friend. Because Boy A realizes that successful relationships always stem with friendships. Boy A hopes that this could eventually be kudos for his valiant effort with Girl A if Girl A ever discovers this. Boy A recognizes the futility of said effort due to the fact that both Boy and Girl A shall move away and be far away from each other. Boy A's stupid hopeless romantic side emerges over realistic Boy A. Boy A continues living, unsure and confused as always.

FUCK.