Fuck Mind Games

I feel like there is a necessary preface for the title. I, along with almost everybody, have had a considerable amount of frustrations with romance. So I do always have to keep in mind that the said girl I currently fancy has probably had her fair share of frustrating and painful times with love. And it is also worth noting that I overanalyze considerably more than I'd like to, so I'm probably incorrectly reading into the situation.

But here's a basic rundown.

Boy A likes Girl A.
Boy A tries (without being too clingy) to hang out with Girl A.
Girl A claims to be always busy but Boy A does believe her and has no reason to not believe her.
Boy A does try to make himself apparent in her life regardless, and Girl A seems to notice.
Girl A is quick to be awesome, sweet, funny, and cute sometimes. Seems fairly distant at other times.
Boy A investigates, infers, and asks about these inconsistencies, and gets a moderate grasp of them.
Girl A is not entirely over the last boy she liked, though (from what Boy A remembers) it has been a while since they dated.
Boy A feels disappointed because the 'last boy' was a pretty boy and Boy A is only moderately confident in himself.
Boy A convinces himself he's not into her, appears to be successful in killing feeling.
Girl A puts a BABE status profile pic.
Boy A's feelings come crashing back. Boy A regrets the returned feelings.
Boy A sees Girl A at movie. Both hang out and from Boy A's perspective, have an awesome yet unplanned time together.
Boy A sees her next day, tries to 'play it cool' and not talk to her. Does literally poke her, and she returns the poke before she leaves.
Boy A tries to understand if the poking thing was all along flirting (on his end it TOTALLY was/is) on Girl A's end.
Boy A calls next day and no answer.
Girl A responds through text.
Boy A asks her to do something.
Girl A again seems to be busy, with a slight mix of being distant.
Boy A begins to wonder if he is bothering Girl A.
On a later day, Boy A asks if she is doing something in the morning.
Girl A, again being busy, is apologetic and claims she is not doing it on purpose.
Boy A, disappointed but still understanding, responds saying it's no big deal but that he does want to do something because he enjoys hanging out with Girl A. (Ending with a smiley, hoping to seem somewhat obvious with what angle he is presenting her)
Girl A responds 'Yeah maybe some other time!'
Boy A response with 'Ok' because he can't accurately explain how he feels/what he thinks.

FUCK.

If only Girl A knew how much Boy A likes her... If only Girl A would be more direct with Boy A.
If only Boy A did not have these feelings... If only Boy A was content with his romantic situation.
Regardless, Boy A will always be there for Girl A as a friend. Because Boy A realizes that successful relationships always stem with friendships. Boy A hopes that this could eventually be kudos for his valiant effort with Girl A if Girl A ever discovers this. Boy A recognizes the futility of said effort due to the fact that both Boy and Girl A shall move away and be far away from each other. Boy A's stupid hopeless romantic side emerges over realistic Boy A. Boy A continues living, unsure and confused as always.

FUCK.

Stressed

As the world turns to ashes
My heart feels many lashes
Nothing in this world but cold and pain
All the good that arises will be in vain
Wishing for a cure for this disease
So I can finally feel at ease
Wanting everyone to be ok
As life is lived day by day

Everything's stressed
Yet somehow blessed
My heart's a mess
I need rest
Lord please provide
A place to hide
Tonight

These words provide no solace
As I don't know how to overcome all this
The world's too heavy for my weak shoulders
So come now and remove another boulder
Instill peace and quiet in this racing brain
Help me to not feel this incredible pain
Not asking for perfection but everlasting resolve
Renew passion to learn how to fight and to absolve
My weary soul from all this mold
God, please turn me heavenly gold

Everything's stressed

Yet somehow blessed

My heart's a mess

I need rest

Lord please provide

A place to hide

Tonight

As nothing changes
My life rearranges
My heart continues to toil
But my body remains in the soil
Till the day my days are ended
And my soul is suspended

Everything's stressed

Yet somehow blessed

My heart's a mess

I need rest

Lord please provide

A place to hide

Tonight

Shades of Gray

Life is too hard to rewind
It's too rough and unkind
It's not good or bad
And it's not happy or sad
Left with bruises but not broken
Left in haziness but not woken
Cause life is not simple
It's a series of ripples
So smile with those sweet dimples
And ignore those pesky wrinkles

Shades of gray
Not black or white
Or wrong or right
Nothing to say
So rest your head
It'll all be ok
He is the way

Love forever and today
Listen to these words I say
The few things I know
While I was basking low
Lose yourself in rhymes
And dwell on good times
Keep your head up
Live life as a pup
And move a little faster
To descend to the master

Shades of gray

Not black or white

Or wrong or right

Nothing to say

So rest your head

It'll all be ok

He is the way

Contemplate some things

Say anything or nothing

Take your breath

Don't second guess

What's Wrong with Me? (General post, not a poem)

     I am trying to process my thoughts and this medium seems to be the spot to do it. I do not understand myself. Things that are so trivial and minor bring me down and the weight of the world keeps me there permanently. I wish I could find joy but it seems to always evade me. Maybe there is something inherently wrong with me. Nothing ever satisfies for long, yet almost anything can bring me down for hours, even days. What I would do to maintain an optimistic outlook. Yet, I feel like somehow I'd have to inherit some kind of ignorance to become cheerful.

     This world is shit. Everywhere I see pain sorrow, loss, and suffering, and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it. I work at the Boys & Girls Club, but do I really make an impact? Could not someone else do my job, perhaps do it better? Outside of that I do nothing to benefit anyone else. I attend a young adults ministry program, and when I'm there I do tend to feel happy, but the feeling always fades. Nothing ever seems to last. I'm pretty certain God is up there, but I never feel him. And a lot of his scriptures don't make sense to me and they often feel contradictory. I really like Jesus, but I don't understand how salvation works. Why should I be absolved of all my sins, primarily due to the environment I was raised in, and another similar person, born into another religion upbringing or base, go to hell for believing what they were taught to believe? It's confusing and I hate thinking about it.

     I often feel alone. And misunderstood. I think people are too rude to each other. I feel like we sacrifice too much for a laugh. Why must we ridicule ourselves so as to amuse others for a moment? Should our worth really be attached to how quickly we can dig into one another? I'm not saying that humor is bad. To the contrary, humor is absolutely necessary for sanity in this fucked up world. Another reason I bring this is up is because I am a sensitive person. Most people would describe it as weak, and there is some credence in thinking that way. It just means that the most trite and insignificant jabs at me I really take to heart. I wish I could change it. It has been a struggle for me my whole life. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I was numb, or could manage everything and feel nothing. Yet that sounds like a nightmare. I've told myself, for as long as I can remember, that it is better to feel everything than nothing. But is that a lie? Something to make myself feel better? I am not sure. It gives me a head and heartache thinking about it.

     To conclude, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing right now, what I have been doing, or what I plan on doing. My fiercest desire is to love and be loved in return, yet I don't think anyone could understand how I work. Or how pessimistic I am. They say girls don't go for negative guys, so I am in deep shit with the whole not wanting to be alone thing. I suppose this is when I'm supposed to work 'harder' to find God, 'read' more scripture, have 'more' faith, and become 'stronger.' But I do not have the willpower. Apart of me wishes that God would take over my mind and body. That way I could run my life on autopilot. Something tells me he won't fulfill that request. Just a hunch.

Lose Myself

I'm taking the steps to the right course
To the place of mercy where my spirit soars
The path is treacherous and full of pain
An eternal battle within my own brain
This life isn't easier just more certain
I know that I don't have to carry the burden
Of all my failures and sins
I merely must rely on Him

To die is gain
To live is stain
Live for love
Die to sin
End at the needle
To begin

Let these words help us recall
Of how far we had to fall
To see the light from His eyes
Let His arms become our prize
Forget all the lies from the false crowds
And allow His grace to fully abound
Let His breath consume your own
And remember why He removed the stone

To die is gain

To live is stain

Live for love

Die to sin

End at the needle

To begin

Do not despair over the troubles of the present

Or linger about the follies of the past

Do not dwell in the clouds of the future

Set sights on the cross and find peace at last

To die is gain

To live is stain

Live for love

Die to sin

End at the needle

To begin

Contentment: The (I'm)possible Quest

Even when things are right, they're wrong
There's a demon around the corner all along
One problem solved and another arises
Things are looking sunny than alas surprises
Where are the sunrises as I never find the source
I need to change course, I'm sick of all this remorse
Going down the path of the long and narrow
Where the nonstop strikes and nonstop arrows
Rain down on me like darkness in the sky
Reign down on me oh Host of the skies

There's more to life than breath
There's more to dying than death
Come help me Lord in my time of need
Come Shepherd and I'll follow the lead

Darkness descends in my despair
Watch myself recoil in my lair
The shouts of doubt and uncertainty are consuming
And the end of my life and my sorrows is looming
Witness the follies and trips of a sinner amongst saints
As my presence corrupts and begins to taint
My soul is tarred and scarred
My demons have gone too far
My God, my God why have you forgotten me?
I need your essence to cleanse my rotten me

There's more to life than breath

There's more to dying than death

Come help me Lord in my time of need

Come Shepherd and I'll follow the lead

A sense of strength comes at last

As my soul has finished its fast

Like a beggar deprived of necessities

You've come and saved the least of these

There's more to life than breath

There's more to dying than death

Come help me Lord in my time of need

Come shepherd and I'll follow the lead

The Struggle, The Quest

I'll never stop caring
As my heart starts tearing
As the onlookers begin staring
At the clothes I'm wearing
Look at the flesh, not the fabric
It begins to make me feel sick
That society values cotton and fame
Than the realities of life and pain
Like thinking of the sun with the fall of rain
Is there anyone else who feels the same?
Or do I still have to think lame?
My mind's insane and my hearts it's bane
Like hitting concrete while crossing lanes
The struggles of life will keep me down
Nothing left to do but frown

The struggles are tests
The pinnacle life quest
Brings stress to my chest
Wish I could lay and rest

Unconditional love is real if you try
Never cheat, never steal, never lie
And never let yourself say goodbye
Never leave without a why
Always help them with their z's
As they lay their head and descend to their knees
As your heart beats and your mind weeps
Love isn't about what you want, it's about what they need
So bend your will and live by His decrees
Living for God will never be easy
Many moments will make you queasy
Your blood, sweat, and tears
And every one of your fears
May come to pass
But relief comes at last
Jesus rides past
Forgets my past
And carries me home to the place I belong
And now I forget why I wrote this all along

The struggles and tests
Are my life quests
I lay them on His chest
And am finally able to rest