Character quote:

"The truth is that we all are struggling with darkness and temptation. We all fell prey to the empty promises and lies of the evil one. The choice is not whether we decide to fight the urge to succumb; rather, the choice is to accept that these forces can not be dealt with from within by one's own strength. We are the champions of darkness, and the demons enforce what is already inside. Only an invincible good, stronger than the darkness, can overcome such evil. And while He is good, He is a warrior, and a purger of darkness. His work in you... It will hurt, but it will also heal.

The Demons Are Inside Me

The fade is slow but certain
The lies below the curtain
The filth rotting in the core
As my heart is surely torn
Vices turn to sin
The descent begins
Wrong fades into right
The dark blots out the light
The good disappears into the night
The vacancy consumes the light

The demons are inside me
They fight the good that remains
And evil begins to rain
Father, take over and reign
Clean the stains
Restore the pain
Let the sin wane
Become its bane

There's a war raging inside
I'd run but I can't hide
His arms are open wide
The darkness desperately tries
To allure me and collides
With the lion in His glory
This is the start of my new story
I've lost countless battles and I'll lose more
But now the King has reign over my core


The demons are inside me
They fight the good that remains
And evil begins to rain
Father, take over and reign
Clean the stains
Restore the pain
Let the sin wane
Become its bane

The liar scoffs at my past
I've always come back
Maybe I'll return to my crimes
I've done so time after time
Bruised and broken, I'll return to my friend
He is the Alpha and Omega, beginning and the end


The demons are inside me
They fight the good that remains
And evil begins to rain
Father, take over and reign
Clean the stains
Restore the pain
Let the sin wane
Become its bane

Thoughts

I've always found it easier to spot the sins of saints than sinners. I've always enjoyed the company of sinners over saints. True sinners don't put up a front or a mask; they are open about their own wretchedness. I want to be remembered as an open sinner as opposed to a religious priest. I want to be known for mercy and wisdom. I don't want to be known for my judgment or righteous living.

Religious Speak

I hate religion. More than anything else in life. People can use it as a shield for their own sin and depravity. Ironically enough Christian people do this more than most. Putting stock into maintaining their own image and making sure they appear holy on the outside. It's so frustrating. At times I want to shake them and tell them how they will never fool me. But the worst part? It's so rampant in American Christianity that others encourage one another to maintain the status quo. It's about removing those swear words and cutting out R rated movies. It's about removing all of the outward muck. It's about isolating your 'bad' friends from your 'Godly' friends. And it's all bull shit.

I lust more often than I should. I swear frequently (And I don't avoid the 'really' bad words). I'm very selfish and very prideful. More often than not I compare myself to others to downplay my own sin. And when people say that they are a Christian, my inclination is to avoid them. Like the plague (pun is intended, regardless if offended).

I try to change this mindset. Constantly. But it doesn't seem to work. I'm hurting, and my scars haunt me even now. I guess my walk with God will never be good enough to overlook the crimes of His church.

But then again, I am missing something. As usual.

Jesus was not beaten, bruised, and put on trial by wretched, secular people. Religious bigots and fundamentalists set his execution in motion. Through deception and upright living, evil men murdered my Hero. The only man who intimately relates to this sort of persecution. My cries are not in vain. 

I am assured. Yet again. By a man, born fully God, who fully embraced humanity. He didn't come to let the law continue to bring us down. He fulfilled it, setting us free from needing to be perfect. Calling upon His name makes us perfect. Our innate desire and will to sin draws us to Him. The more healthy you feel, the less you need a doctor. If Jesus is a doctor, than I assure you, I am very ill. The law is where our health should be. We can't get there. Even if we tried our very hardest. Jesus is our cure. When He enters into our life, we recognize that one dose of His love isn't enough. His benevolence is infinite because my sin is infinite. The law is now a reminder of Jesus, and not a reminder of how good I am.

I don't think religious Christians get that. How could they? The law is their cover. They hide behind it, creating some extra rules to make themselves feel extra special. I used to hate them for it. I still do in all honesty. But I'm working on it. I want to change this hatred into compassion. Compassion towards those who have none towards others. They are just as lost as anyone else. Jesus loves them and died for them just the same as He did for everyone else. I must never forget that. I am no better than they are. And the moment I think I am, I become the very thing I hate so fervently.

Words Carry Weight

Stop and imagine what your words mean to others
Think of all the insults you assault upon brothers
Quick to inflict yet hesitant to appease
And you tell me you're caring, please?
Little Brian rising from the concrete, petal to the metal to the sky
Left descending into perpetual melancholia because his daddy's high
Keeps his thoughts to himself but his body to his peers
Left with scars that haven't healed across all the years
Recoils back to the trailer to prepare for the screaming
Mama's mad so she's yelling but he is dreaming
Scheming about a life better this his own
Like resurrecting into another life and another home
Flying high and never looking back
Never noticing the creeping attack
Blood drenched floors peel out of his brain
But his parents have nothing left to stain
It's insane, draining the heart because of the rain
Kicking, shooting until it's over to avoid the pain

Words carry weight
Just look at suicide rates
Dwelling on words meant in jest
But I can't deny the heavy pain in my chest
Hoping the silver lining comes soon
Left staring at the bleak and safe moon

Negative connotations and intellectual debates
Scrolling through Facebook looking for dates
While Brian's blood continues to deplete
I'm busy looking for posts to delete
My holy status appears to be discrete
Looking to find more worthy to meet and greet
Brian's blood continues to haunt me
And the devil's servants start to taunt me
I see Jesus' eyes matched with scars
Realizing how far I go when I grow dark
My words hit and they assuredly hit the mark
Left feeling cold after bring heat to his heart
His tears stream down behind closed doors
While I continue insulting because I'm bored
I'm trapped in my own frustrations and fears
Yet the end of his time begins to draw near
His eyes well up and I can see he is crying
He was 17, junior, and his name? Brian...

Words carry weight

Just look at suicide rates

Dwelling on words meant in jest

But I can't deny the heavy pain in my chest

Hoping the silver lining comes soon

Left staring at the bleak and safe moon

Humor brings relief but it often fosters stains

Brian's remnants are left with his foster pains

I didn't kill him but I pulled the trigger

The sadness grew and became much much bigger

Partially because I poured sugar in with vinegar

Consistent darkness whatever I touch

Because I fail and sin too much

May this passenger never harm another

I can not bury one more brother 

Words carry weight

Just look at suicide rates

Dwelling on words meant in jest

But I can't deny the heavy pain in my chest

Hoping the silver lining comes soon

Left staring at the bleak and safe moon

Fuck this.

Fuck feeling depressed all the time. Fuck caring about people and it getting you nowhere. Fuck fake friends. Fuck ignorant people. Fuck being nice. Fuck stereotypes about sensitivity. Fuck feeling alone constantly. Fuck how NONE of these feelings make any sense. Fuck how my brother is the best guy I know but is not married. Fuck romance. Fuck arrogance. Fuck religious people who don't give two shits about people. Fuck ANYONE who doesn't give two shits about people. Fuck hate. Fuck rudeness. Fuck hypocrisy. And fuck how I am just as fucked up as all of the above mentioned.

Sick of Playing Society's Game

This is probably a feeling of many that are my age, but I'm sick of this societal game I am supposed to compete in. I want to be challenged and grow in areas that actually matter. I want to learn more about God, more about humanity, and more about how I can change it. Sick of being holed up in a classroom (excluding humanities classes) that get me nowhere. I am fairly certain I want to be in ministry. Though it will get hard, and there will be many frustrations along the way, I want to grow spiritually above all else. I want to help people. That is my quintessential goal right now. Attending courses that do almost nothing to help me benefit others is really waning me. Want to be set free, and do what my heart desires too.

Persistent Woes

Seems the sadness never fades
I recoil back to the safe shade
Sick of people playing masquerade
The quality of life declines in grade
No reason to be stuck in sadness
It truly feels like madness
These silly lines and foolish rhymes
That I repeat over a thousand times
Relief never resides for long
Nothing's right, anything's wrong

Persistent woes
My heart's foes
The end is not in sight
Nowhere is the light
Forever stuck in the night
Where's the promised white?
Alas, here comes the dark knight

Authenticity is a gift
An easy way to sift
Friends from adversaries
Yet to the contrary
My heart is black as the raven
The end of the day is in the grave
Where the white aligns with the dark
Towards the end there is no spark
Alone in death as one is in life
Slit, slit... and there goes the knife

Persistent woes

My heart's foes

The end is not in sight

Nowhere is the light

Forever stuck in the night

Where's the promised white?

Alas, here comes the dark knight

As the corpse descends to hell

They describe how I fell

Not enough Bible, too much sin

The end started when I begin

The fools detail my final flaws

Ignoring the real and the raw

My life left to pastors and ashes

Jesus, come faster and take my lashes

Persistent woes

My heart's foes

The end is not in sight

Nowhere is the light

Forever stuck in the night

Where's the promised white?

Alas, here comes the dark knight

Fuck Mind Games

I feel like there is a necessary preface for the title. I, along with almost everybody, have had a considerable amount of frustrations with romance. So I do always have to keep in mind that the said girl I currently fancy has probably had her fair share of frustrating and painful times with love. And it is also worth noting that I overanalyze considerably more than I'd like to, so I'm probably incorrectly reading into the situation.

But here's a basic rundown.

Boy A likes Girl A.
Boy A tries (without being too clingy) to hang out with Girl A.
Girl A claims to be always busy but Boy A does believe her and has no reason to not believe her.
Boy A does try to make himself apparent in her life regardless, and Girl A seems to notice.
Girl A is quick to be awesome, sweet, funny, and cute sometimes. Seems fairly distant at other times.
Boy A investigates, infers, and asks about these inconsistencies, and gets a moderate grasp of them.
Girl A is not entirely over the last boy she liked, though (from what Boy A remembers) it has been a while since they dated.
Boy A feels disappointed because the 'last boy' was a pretty boy and Boy A is only moderately confident in himself.
Boy A convinces himself he's not into her, appears to be successful in killing feeling.
Girl A puts a BABE status profile pic.
Boy A's feelings come crashing back. Boy A regrets the returned feelings.
Boy A sees Girl A at movie. Both hang out and from Boy A's perspective, have an awesome yet unplanned time together.
Boy A sees her next day, tries to 'play it cool' and not talk to her. Does literally poke her, and she returns the poke before she leaves.
Boy A tries to understand if the poking thing was all along flirting (on his end it TOTALLY was/is) on Girl A's end.
Boy A calls next day and no answer.
Girl A responds through text.
Boy A asks her to do something.
Girl A again seems to be busy, with a slight mix of being distant.
Boy A begins to wonder if he is bothering Girl A.
On a later day, Boy A asks if she is doing something in the morning.
Girl A, again being busy, is apologetic and claims she is not doing it on purpose.
Boy A, disappointed but still understanding, responds saying it's no big deal but that he does want to do something because he enjoys hanging out with Girl A. (Ending with a smiley, hoping to seem somewhat obvious with what angle he is presenting her)
Girl A responds 'Yeah maybe some other time!'
Boy A response with 'Ok' because he can't accurately explain how he feels/what he thinks.

FUCK.

If only Girl A knew how much Boy A likes her... If only Girl A would be more direct with Boy A.
If only Boy A did not have these feelings... If only Boy A was content with his romantic situation.
Regardless, Boy A will always be there for Girl A as a friend. Because Boy A realizes that successful relationships always stem with friendships. Boy A hopes that this could eventually be kudos for his valiant effort with Girl A if Girl A ever discovers this. Boy A recognizes the futility of said effort due to the fact that both Boy and Girl A shall move away and be far away from each other. Boy A's stupid hopeless romantic side emerges over realistic Boy A. Boy A continues living, unsure and confused as always.

FUCK.

Stressed

As the world turns to ashes
My heart feels many lashes
Nothing in this world but cold and pain
All the good that arises will be in vain
Wishing for a cure for this disease
So I can finally feel at ease
Wanting everyone to be ok
As life is lived day by day

Everything's stressed
Yet somehow blessed
My heart's a mess
I need rest
Lord please provide
A place to hide
Tonight

These words provide no solace
As I don't know how to overcome all this
The world's too heavy for my weak shoulders
So come now and remove another boulder
Instill peace and quiet in this racing brain
Help me to not feel this incredible pain
Not asking for perfection but everlasting resolve
Renew passion to learn how to fight and to absolve
My weary soul from all this mold
God, please turn me heavenly gold

Everything's stressed

Yet somehow blessed

My heart's a mess

I need rest

Lord please provide

A place to hide

Tonight

As nothing changes
My life rearranges
My heart continues to toil
But my body remains in the soil
Till the day my days are ended
And my soul is suspended

Everything's stressed

Yet somehow blessed

My heart's a mess

I need rest

Lord please provide

A place to hide

Tonight

Shades of Gray

Life is too hard to rewind
It's too rough and unkind
It's not good or bad
And it's not happy or sad
Left with bruises but not broken
Left in haziness but not woken
Cause life is not simple
It's a series of ripples
So smile with those sweet dimples
And ignore those pesky wrinkles

Shades of gray
Not black or white
Or wrong or right
Nothing to say
So rest your head
It'll all be ok
He is the way

Love forever and today
Listen to these words I say
The few things I know
While I was basking low
Lose yourself in rhymes
And dwell on good times
Keep your head up
Live life as a pup
And move a little faster
To descend to the master

Shades of gray

Not black or white

Or wrong or right

Nothing to say

So rest your head

It'll all be ok

He is the way

Contemplate some things

Say anything or nothing

Take your breath

Don't second guess

What's Wrong with Me? (General post, not a poem)

     I am trying to process my thoughts and this medium seems to be the spot to do it. I do not understand myself. Things that are so trivial and minor bring me down and the weight of the world keeps me there permanently. I wish I could find joy but it seems to always evade me. Maybe there is something inherently wrong with me. Nothing ever satisfies for long, yet almost anything can bring me down for hours, even days. What I would do to maintain an optimistic outlook. Yet, I feel like somehow I'd have to inherit some kind of ignorance to become cheerful.

     This world is shit. Everywhere I see pain sorrow, loss, and suffering, and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it. I work at the Boys & Girls Club, but do I really make an impact? Could not someone else do my job, perhaps do it better? Outside of that I do nothing to benefit anyone else. I attend a young adults ministry program, and when I'm there I do tend to feel happy, but the feeling always fades. Nothing ever seems to last. I'm pretty certain God is up there, but I never feel him. And a lot of his scriptures don't make sense to me and they often feel contradictory. I really like Jesus, but I don't understand how salvation works. Why should I be absolved of all my sins, primarily due to the environment I was raised in, and another similar person, born into another religion upbringing or base, go to hell for believing what they were taught to believe? It's confusing and I hate thinking about it.

     I often feel alone. And misunderstood. I think people are too rude to each other. I feel like we sacrifice too much for a laugh. Why must we ridicule ourselves so as to amuse others for a moment? Should our worth really be attached to how quickly we can dig into one another? I'm not saying that humor is bad. To the contrary, humor is absolutely necessary for sanity in this fucked up world. Another reason I bring this is up is because I am a sensitive person. Most people would describe it as weak, and there is some credence in thinking that way. It just means that the most trite and insignificant jabs at me I really take to heart. I wish I could change it. It has been a struggle for me my whole life. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I was numb, or could manage everything and feel nothing. Yet that sounds like a nightmare. I've told myself, for as long as I can remember, that it is better to feel everything than nothing. But is that a lie? Something to make myself feel better? I am not sure. It gives me a head and heartache thinking about it.

     To conclude, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing right now, what I have been doing, or what I plan on doing. My fiercest desire is to love and be loved in return, yet I don't think anyone could understand how I work. Or how pessimistic I am. They say girls don't go for negative guys, so I am in deep shit with the whole not wanting to be alone thing. I suppose this is when I'm supposed to work 'harder' to find God, 'read' more scripture, have 'more' faith, and become 'stronger.' But I do not have the willpower. Apart of me wishes that God would take over my mind and body. That way I could run my life on autopilot. Something tells me he won't fulfill that request. Just a hunch.

Lose Myself

I'm taking the steps to the right course
To the place of mercy where my spirit soars
The path is treacherous and full of pain
An eternal battle within my own brain
This life isn't easier just more certain
I know that I don't have to carry the burden
Of all my failures and sins
I merely must rely on Him

To die is gain
To live is stain
Live for love
Die to sin
End at the needle
To begin

Let these words help us recall
Of how far we had to fall
To see the light from His eyes
Let His arms become our prize
Forget all the lies from the false crowds
And allow His grace to fully abound
Let His breath consume your own
And remember why He removed the stone

To die is gain

To live is stain

Live for love

Die to sin

End at the needle

To begin

Do not despair over the troubles of the present

Or linger about the follies of the past

Do not dwell in the clouds of the future

Set sights on the cross and find peace at last

To die is gain

To live is stain

Live for love

Die to sin

End at the needle

To begin

Contentment: The (I'm)possible Quest

Even when things are right, they're wrong
There's a demon around the corner all along
One problem solved and another arises
Things are looking sunny than alas surprises
Where are the sunrises as I never find the source
I need to change course, I'm sick of all this remorse
Going down the path of the long and narrow
Where the nonstop strikes and nonstop arrows
Rain down on me like darkness in the sky
Reign down on me oh Host of the skies

There's more to life than breath
There's more to dying than death
Come help me Lord in my time of need
Come Shepherd and I'll follow the lead

Darkness descends in my despair
Watch myself recoil in my lair
The shouts of doubt and uncertainty are consuming
And the end of my life and my sorrows is looming
Witness the follies and trips of a sinner amongst saints
As my presence corrupts and begins to taint
My soul is tarred and scarred
My demons have gone too far
My God, my God why have you forgotten me?
I need your essence to cleanse my rotten me

There's more to life than breath

There's more to dying than death

Come help me Lord in my time of need

Come Shepherd and I'll follow the lead

A sense of strength comes at last

As my soul has finished its fast

Like a beggar deprived of necessities

You've come and saved the least of these

There's more to life than breath

There's more to dying than death

Come help me Lord in my time of need

Come shepherd and I'll follow the lead

The Struggle, The Quest

I'll never stop caring
As my heart starts tearing
As the onlookers begin staring
At the clothes I'm wearing
Look at the flesh, not the fabric
It begins to make me feel sick
That society values cotton and fame
Than the realities of life and pain
Like thinking of the sun with the fall of rain
Is there anyone else who feels the same?
Or do I still have to think lame?
My mind's insane and my hearts it's bane
Like hitting concrete while crossing lanes
The struggles of life will keep me down
Nothing left to do but frown

The struggles are tests
The pinnacle life quest
Brings stress to my chest
Wish I could lay and rest

Unconditional love is real if you try
Never cheat, never steal, never lie
And never let yourself say goodbye
Never leave without a why
Always help them with their z's
As they lay their head and descend to their knees
As your heart beats and your mind weeps
Love isn't about what you want, it's about what they need
So bend your will and live by His decrees
Living for God will never be easy
Many moments will make you queasy
Your blood, sweat, and tears
And every one of your fears
May come to pass
But relief comes at last
Jesus rides past
Forgets my past
And carries me home to the place I belong
And now I forget why I wrote this all along

The struggles and tests
Are my life quests
I lay them on His chest
And am finally able to rest