Shades of Gray

Life is too hard to rewind
It's too rough and unkind
It's not good or bad
And it's not happy or sad
Left with bruises but not broken
Left in haziness but not woken
Cause life is not simple
It's a series of ripples
So smile with those sweet dimples
And ignore those pesky wrinkles

Shades of gray
Not black or white
Or wrong or right
Nothing to say
So rest your head
It'll all be ok
He is the way

Love forever and today
Listen to these words I say
The few things I know
While I was basking low
Lose yourself in rhymes
And dwell on good times
Keep your head up
Live life as a pup
And move a little faster
To descend to the master

Shades of gray

Not black or white

Or wrong or right

Nothing to say

So rest your head

It'll all be ok

He is the way

Contemplate some things

Say anything or nothing

Take your breath

Don't second guess

What's Wrong with Me? (General post, not a poem)

     I am trying to process my thoughts and this medium seems to be the spot to do it. I do not understand myself. Things that are so trivial and minor bring me down and the weight of the world keeps me there permanently. I wish I could find joy but it seems to always evade me. Maybe there is something inherently wrong with me. Nothing ever satisfies for long, yet almost anything can bring me down for hours, even days. What I would do to maintain an optimistic outlook. Yet, I feel like somehow I'd have to inherit some kind of ignorance to become cheerful.

     This world is shit. Everywhere I see pain sorrow, loss, and suffering, and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it. I work at the Boys & Girls Club, but do I really make an impact? Could not someone else do my job, perhaps do it better? Outside of that I do nothing to benefit anyone else. I attend a young adults ministry program, and when I'm there I do tend to feel happy, but the feeling always fades. Nothing ever seems to last. I'm pretty certain God is up there, but I never feel him. And a lot of his scriptures don't make sense to me and they often feel contradictory. I really like Jesus, but I don't understand how salvation works. Why should I be absolved of all my sins, primarily due to the environment I was raised in, and another similar person, born into another religion upbringing or base, go to hell for believing what they were taught to believe? It's confusing and I hate thinking about it.

     I often feel alone. And misunderstood. I think people are too rude to each other. I feel like we sacrifice too much for a laugh. Why must we ridicule ourselves so as to amuse others for a moment? Should our worth really be attached to how quickly we can dig into one another? I'm not saying that humor is bad. To the contrary, humor is absolutely necessary for sanity in this fucked up world. Another reason I bring this is up is because I am a sensitive person. Most people would describe it as weak, and there is some credence in thinking that way. It just means that the most trite and insignificant jabs at me I really take to heart. I wish I could change it. It has been a struggle for me my whole life. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I was numb, or could manage everything and feel nothing. Yet that sounds like a nightmare. I've told myself, for as long as I can remember, that it is better to feel everything than nothing. But is that a lie? Something to make myself feel better? I am not sure. It gives me a head and heartache thinking about it.

     To conclude, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing right now, what I have been doing, or what I plan on doing. My fiercest desire is to love and be loved in return, yet I don't think anyone could understand how I work. Or how pessimistic I am. They say girls don't go for negative guys, so I am in deep shit with the whole not wanting to be alone thing. I suppose this is when I'm supposed to work 'harder' to find God, 'read' more scripture, have 'more' faith, and become 'stronger.' But I do not have the willpower. Apart of me wishes that God would take over my mind and body. That way I could run my life on autopilot. Something tells me he won't fulfill that request. Just a hunch.

Lose Myself

I'm taking the steps to the right course
To the place of mercy where my spirit soars
The path is treacherous and full of pain
An eternal battle within my own brain
This life isn't easier just more certain
I know that I don't have to carry the burden
Of all my failures and sins
I merely must rely on Him

To die is gain
To live is stain
Live for love
Die to sin
End at the needle
To begin

Let these words help us recall
Of how far we had to fall
To see the light from His eyes
Let His arms become our prize
Forget all the lies from the false crowds
And allow His grace to fully abound
Let His breath consume your own
And remember why He removed the stone

To die is gain

To live is stain

Live for love

Die to sin

End at the needle

To begin

Do not despair over the troubles of the present

Or linger about the follies of the past

Do not dwell in the clouds of the future

Set sights on the cross and find peace at last

To die is gain

To live is stain

Live for love

Die to sin

End at the needle

To begin

Contentment: The (I'm)possible Quest

Even when things are right, they're wrong
There's a demon around the corner all along
One problem solved and another arises
Things are looking sunny than alas surprises
Where are the sunrises as I never find the source
I need to change course, I'm sick of all this remorse
Going down the path of the long and narrow
Where the nonstop strikes and nonstop arrows
Rain down on me like darkness in the sky
Reign down on me oh Host of the skies

There's more to life than breath
There's more to dying than death
Come help me Lord in my time of need
Come Shepherd and I'll follow the lead

Darkness descends in my despair
Watch myself recoil in my lair
The shouts of doubt and uncertainty are consuming
And the end of my life and my sorrows is looming
Witness the follies and trips of a sinner amongst saints
As my presence corrupts and begins to taint
My soul is tarred and scarred
My demons have gone too far
My God, my God why have you forgotten me?
I need your essence to cleanse my rotten me

There's more to life than breath

There's more to dying than death

Come help me Lord in my time of need

Come Shepherd and I'll follow the lead

A sense of strength comes at last

As my soul has finished its fast

Like a beggar deprived of necessities

You've come and saved the least of these

There's more to life than breath

There's more to dying than death

Come help me Lord in my time of need

Come shepherd and I'll follow the lead

The Struggle, The Quest

I'll never stop caring
As my heart starts tearing
As the onlookers begin staring
At the clothes I'm wearing
Look at the flesh, not the fabric
It begins to make me feel sick
That society values cotton and fame
Than the realities of life and pain
Like thinking of the sun with the fall of rain
Is there anyone else who feels the same?
Or do I still have to think lame?
My mind's insane and my hearts it's bane
Like hitting concrete while crossing lanes
The struggles of life will keep me down
Nothing left to do but frown

The struggles are tests
The pinnacle life quest
Brings stress to my chest
Wish I could lay and rest

Unconditional love is real if you try
Never cheat, never steal, never lie
And never let yourself say goodbye
Never leave without a why
Always help them with their z's
As they lay their head and descend to their knees
As your heart beats and your mind weeps
Love isn't about what you want, it's about what they need
So bend your will and live by His decrees
Living for God will never be easy
Many moments will make you queasy
Your blood, sweat, and tears
And every one of your fears
May come to pass
But relief comes at last
Jesus rides past
Forgets my past
And carries me home to the place I belong
And now I forget why I wrote this all along

The struggles and tests
Are my life quests
I lay them on His chest
And am finally able to rest

Quote

I may not have the best six pack, the most clever sense of humor, the cutest face, or the best swagger. But I guarantee you this; no one can take care of you the way I can...

It's All a Game

It's all the same
This vacant search for fame
And a reason to bear the name
Because of our mad game
We hope to leave the outcasts lame
Not realizing all the pain
The severity is insane
I'm barely left sane
The true test is whether you're real
So real that you can appeal to those who feel
Watch as that drive in your heart begins to peel
And the plight of the lost get caught under the wheel
It suddenly won't budge as you begin to care
As you the see the marks are more than just tears
The competitive machine is fed by consumer culture
And the need to become remembered as sculpture
Once your sculpted, what's the next prize
I may be deceived but I see nothing with my eyes
Perhaps I'm blinded, but it' the only way I see
At least when I look in the mirror I feel me

It's all a game
The search for fame and a stake for the name
My life's bane is to insure I'm not lame
That seems rather tame, I've got my own game
To let everyone know I'm the exact same

This quest for metal and prestige
And for people to call me liege
Is never ending and stress inducing
But watch as I start introducing
The new apathetic side of me
He emerges in my dreams
When life seems serene
I try my best to find and glean
What he can teach about life
And how to reduce this strife
Society is free to get what it needs
And the new decrees absolve all fees
Living in a world of tolerance and peace
Where pain is silenced and violence ceased
My eye resist the urge to emerge from slumber
My soul is not even close to becoming encumbered
As I awake, I'm left confused and abused
And my soul is left broken, shattered, and bruised

It's all a game
The search for fame and a stake for the name
My life's bane is to insure I'm not lame
That seems rather tame, I've got my own game
To let everyone know I'm the exact same

This sadness and depression has left me breathless
Wondering how I'm supposed to bandage and stretch this
The ultimate loss is the nonacceptance of self
But watch as I eagerly place myself on the shelf

It's all a game
The search for fame and a stake for the name
My life's bane is to insure I'm not lame
That seems rather tame, I've got my own game
To let everyone know I'm the exact same