I am trying to process my thoughts and this medium seems to be the spot to do it. I do not understand myself. Things that are so trivial and minor bring me down and the weight of the world keeps me there permanently. I wish I could find joy but it seems to always evade me. Maybe there is something inherently wrong with me. Nothing ever satisfies for long, yet almost anything can bring me down for hours, even days. What I would do to maintain an optimistic outlook. Yet, I feel like somehow I'd have to inherit some kind of ignorance to become cheerful.
This world is shit. Everywhere I see pain sorrow, loss, and suffering, and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it. I work at the Boys & Girls Club, but do I really make an impact? Could not someone else do my job, perhaps do it better? Outside of that I do nothing to benefit anyone else. I attend a young adults ministry program, and when I'm there I do tend to feel happy, but the feeling always fades. Nothing ever seems to last. I'm pretty certain God is up there, but I never feel him. And a lot of his scriptures don't make sense to me and they often feel contradictory. I really like Jesus, but I don't understand how salvation works. Why should I be absolved of all my sins, primarily due to the environment I was raised in, and another similar person, born into another religion upbringing or base, go to hell for believing what they were taught to believe? It's confusing and I hate thinking about it.
I often feel alone. And misunderstood. I think people are too rude to each other. I feel like we sacrifice too much for a laugh. Why must we ridicule ourselves so as to amuse others for a moment? Should our worth really be attached to how quickly we can dig into one another? I'm not saying that humor is bad. To the contrary, humor is absolutely necessary for sanity in this fucked up world. Another reason I bring this is up is because I am a sensitive person. Most people would describe it as weak, and there is some credence in thinking that way. It just means that the most trite and insignificant jabs at me I really take to heart. I wish I could change it. It has been a struggle for me my whole life. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I was numb, or could manage everything and feel nothing. Yet that sounds like a nightmare. I've told myself, for as long as I can remember, that it is better to feel everything than nothing. But is that a lie? Something to make myself feel better? I am not sure. It gives me a head and heartache thinking about it.
To conclude, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing right now, what I have been doing, or what I plan on doing. My fiercest desire is to love and be loved in return, yet I don't think anyone could understand how I work. Or how pessimistic I am. They say girls don't go for negative guys, so I am in deep shit with the whole not wanting to be alone thing. I suppose this is when I'm supposed to work 'harder' to find God, 'read' more scripture, have 'more' faith, and become 'stronger.' But I do not have the willpower. Apart of me wishes that God would take over my mind and body. That way I could run my life on autopilot. Something tells me he won't fulfill that request. Just a hunch.
