Character quote:

"The truth is that we all are struggling with darkness and temptation. We all fell prey to the empty promises and lies of the evil one. The choice is not whether we decide to fight the urge to succumb; rather, the choice is to accept that these forces can not be dealt with from within by one's own strength. We are the champions of darkness, and the demons enforce what is already inside. Only an invincible good, stronger than the darkness, can overcome such evil. And while He is good, He is a warrior, and a purger of darkness. His work in you... It will hurt, but it will also heal.

The Demons Are Inside Me

The fade is slow but certain
The lies below the curtain
The filth rotting in the core
As my heart is surely torn
Vices turn to sin
The descent begins
Wrong fades into right
The dark blots out the light
The good disappears into the night
The vacancy consumes the light

The demons are inside me
They fight the good that remains
And evil begins to rain
Father, take over and reign
Clean the stains
Restore the pain
Let the sin wane
Become its bane

There's a war raging inside
I'd run but I can't hide
His arms are open wide
The darkness desperately tries
To allure me and collides
With the lion in His glory
This is the start of my new story
I've lost countless battles and I'll lose more
But now the King has reign over my core


The demons are inside me
They fight the good that remains
And evil begins to rain
Father, take over and reign
Clean the stains
Restore the pain
Let the sin wane
Become its bane

The liar scoffs at my past
I've always come back
Maybe I'll return to my crimes
I've done so time after time
Bruised and broken, I'll return to my friend
He is the Alpha and Omega, beginning and the end


The demons are inside me
They fight the good that remains
And evil begins to rain
Father, take over and reign
Clean the stains
Restore the pain
Let the sin wane
Become its bane

Thoughts

I've always found it easier to spot the sins of saints than sinners. I've always enjoyed the company of sinners over saints. True sinners don't put up a front or a mask; they are open about their own wretchedness. I want to be remembered as an open sinner as opposed to a religious priest. I want to be known for mercy and wisdom. I don't want to be known for my judgment or righteous living.

Religious Speak

I hate religion. More than anything else in life. People can use it as a shield for their own sin and depravity. Ironically enough Christian people do this more than most. Putting stock into maintaining their own image and making sure they appear holy on the outside. It's so frustrating. At times I want to shake them and tell them how they will never fool me. But the worst part? It's so rampant in American Christianity that others encourage one another to maintain the status quo. It's about removing those swear words and cutting out R rated movies. It's about removing all of the outward muck. It's about isolating your 'bad' friends from your 'Godly' friends. And it's all bull shit.

I lust more often than I should. I swear frequently (And I don't avoid the 'really' bad words). I'm very selfish and very prideful. More often than not I compare myself to others to downplay my own sin. And when people say that they are a Christian, my inclination is to avoid them. Like the plague (pun is intended, regardless if offended).

I try to change this mindset. Constantly. But it doesn't seem to work. I'm hurting, and my scars haunt me even now. I guess my walk with God will never be good enough to overlook the crimes of His church.

But then again, I am missing something. As usual.

Jesus was not beaten, bruised, and put on trial by wretched, secular people. Religious bigots and fundamentalists set his execution in motion. Through deception and upright living, evil men murdered my Hero. The only man who intimately relates to this sort of persecution. My cries are not in vain. 

I am assured. Yet again. By a man, born fully God, who fully embraced humanity. He didn't come to let the law continue to bring us down. He fulfilled it, setting us free from needing to be perfect. Calling upon His name makes us perfect. Our innate desire and will to sin draws us to Him. The more healthy you feel, the less you need a doctor. If Jesus is a doctor, than I assure you, I am very ill. The law is where our health should be. We can't get there. Even if we tried our very hardest. Jesus is our cure. When He enters into our life, we recognize that one dose of His love isn't enough. His benevolence is infinite because my sin is infinite. The law is now a reminder of Jesus, and not a reminder of how good I am.

I don't think religious Christians get that. How could they? The law is their cover. They hide behind it, creating some extra rules to make themselves feel extra special. I used to hate them for it. I still do in all honesty. But I'm working on it. I want to change this hatred into compassion. Compassion towards those who have none towards others. They are just as lost as anyone else. Jesus loves them and died for them just the same as He did for everyone else. I must never forget that. I am no better than they are. And the moment I think I am, I become the very thing I hate so fervently.

Words Carry Weight

Stop and imagine what your words mean to others
Think of all the insults you assault upon brothers
Quick to inflict yet hesitant to appease
And you tell me you're caring, please?
Little Brian rising from the concrete, petal to the metal to the sky
Left descending into perpetual melancholia because his daddy's high
Keeps his thoughts to himself but his body to his peers
Left with scars that haven't healed across all the years
Recoils back to the trailer to prepare for the screaming
Mama's mad so she's yelling but he is dreaming
Scheming about a life better this his own
Like resurrecting into another life and another home
Flying high and never looking back
Never noticing the creeping attack
Blood drenched floors peel out of his brain
But his parents have nothing left to stain
It's insane, draining the heart because of the rain
Kicking, shooting until it's over to avoid the pain

Words carry weight
Just look at suicide rates
Dwelling on words meant in jest
But I can't deny the heavy pain in my chest
Hoping the silver lining comes soon
Left staring at the bleak and safe moon

Negative connotations and intellectual debates
Scrolling through Facebook looking for dates
While Brian's blood continues to deplete
I'm busy looking for posts to delete
My holy status appears to be discrete
Looking to find more worthy to meet and greet
Brian's blood continues to haunt me
And the devil's servants start to taunt me
I see Jesus' eyes matched with scars
Realizing how far I go when I grow dark
My words hit and they assuredly hit the mark
Left feeling cold after bring heat to his heart
His tears stream down behind closed doors
While I continue insulting because I'm bored
I'm trapped in my own frustrations and fears
Yet the end of his time begins to draw near
His eyes well up and I can see he is crying
He was 17, junior, and his name? Brian...

Words carry weight

Just look at suicide rates

Dwelling on words meant in jest

But I can't deny the heavy pain in my chest

Hoping the silver lining comes soon

Left staring at the bleak and safe moon

Humor brings relief but it often fosters stains

Brian's remnants are left with his foster pains

I didn't kill him but I pulled the trigger

The sadness grew and became much much bigger

Partially because I poured sugar in with vinegar

Consistent darkness whatever I touch

Because I fail and sin too much

May this passenger never harm another

I can not bury one more brother 

Words carry weight

Just look at suicide rates

Dwelling on words meant in jest

But I can't deny the heavy pain in my chest

Hoping the silver lining comes soon

Left staring at the bleak and safe moon

Fuck this.

Fuck feeling depressed all the time. Fuck caring about people and it getting you nowhere. Fuck fake friends. Fuck ignorant people. Fuck being nice. Fuck stereotypes about sensitivity. Fuck feeling alone constantly. Fuck how NONE of these feelings make any sense. Fuck how my brother is the best guy I know but is not married. Fuck romance. Fuck arrogance. Fuck religious people who don't give two shits about people. Fuck ANYONE who doesn't give two shits about people. Fuck hate. Fuck rudeness. Fuck hypocrisy. And fuck how I am just as fucked up as all of the above mentioned.

Sick of Playing Society's Game

This is probably a feeling of many that are my age, but I'm sick of this societal game I am supposed to compete in. I want to be challenged and grow in areas that actually matter. I want to learn more about God, more about humanity, and more about how I can change it. Sick of being holed up in a classroom (excluding humanities classes) that get me nowhere. I am fairly certain I want to be in ministry. Though it will get hard, and there will be many frustrations along the way, I want to grow spiritually above all else. I want to help people. That is my quintessential goal right now. Attending courses that do almost nothing to help me benefit others is really waning me. Want to be set free, and do what my heart desires too.